How's everybody here in blog city?

Me, in a nutshell, am bankrupt. Yup, it's Christmas, what with the 13th month and all and yet i'm still poor. Shit. I blame this on Ebay. I got hooked to bidding for things I wouldn't have bought had I shopped for it at the mall. I gave all of my bonus to my mother, to pay for the loan, which by the way was borrowed to pay my maxed out credit card bill. yikes. Did I dare tell that to blog world! hahaha. So, right now, aside from paying for that loan, I still am also paying my outstanding credit card bills which is beginning to pile up as well, plus the computer installment, plus my trip to Singapore this March.

Yup, I am going to Singapore this March, first time going out of the country. Like as if I didn't have enough bills and responsibilities to put my money into. I really wonder how I'd be able to get by, cuz even now I have yet to discipline myself well.

I just read Honey (READ: ex-boyfriend!) and his new honey's chat at gmail. Geez, why is he so happy? I hate to think that he's happy, and that he's always had it easy. Why, it had been so much pain for me, and it took me such a long time to recover... and here he is, talking about marriage and babies with his girlfriend that he haven't even seen yet????!!!!

I hate to think how that friggin' girl could be so lucky as to be at the correct moment that he's on the verge of going out of that friggin' church. So, somehow, SHE becomes THE REASON why he's going out... and not because his balls couldn't produce any sperms (or the scare of it anyway).

It's difficult for me to accept that almost everything before could have been just this ONE BIG LIE.

Shakespeare said, "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds..."

HOW COULD HE HAVE ALTERED WHEN THE ALTERATION FOUND ME?

After all, my perception in life and my lifestyle changed because of him. Because of him, I became so depressed that I sought solace in material things, worldly things, that can satisfy me, even if for a brief time.

HOW COULD HE NOT FIGHT FOR ME? When I had fought for him and our love for soooo long, kept all my questions and hesitations bottled inside me and just trusted him? It was me who was with him in the hardest of battles and yet somebody else gets to celebrate with him in his victory???

Pondering on these things sometimes makes me think that maybe, just maybe, Cocoy had been more of a man than him, after all. Well, that guy too was a jerk, but he had been a good jerk, he had done the odds just to attempt to get me back.

He shamed himself infront of so many people, declaring his love for me and even challenging me to choose to return to him. To this day, no other man has ever done such an awfully loving gesture. He also initiated saying sorry to my sister, eventhough it was my sister who started their fight: by starting gossips about him, belittling him and discriminating against him.

True, it had been his mistake why we broke up, but he seemingly did his best to make up for it (although by then it was too late, I already had a change of heart.)

Which brings me to the thought of my new guy. I'm not exactly sure where we're heading, but the path ahead seems bright enough. I do not feel that same rush that I had felt when i was with Honey. It seems that I am devoid of feeling any strong emotion for him.

But I guess I could say I'm happy. My Bebe is a type of guy who would give you the whole material world just to please you. I truly feel special, if not loved, to say the least. Our relationship has yet to be tested in tough waters though, literally and figuratively. I sure damn wish it's November 2007 already so that I could hug him real tight...

I miss you Lou!