I am just so tired and frustrated right now. It's like, you know, that feeling that you've drained yourself of all emotion and of focusing very hard over something that your body goes limp and your head is so dizzy you can't think of anything already? Ugh, was that even an understandable statement that I just typed?! No, this is not about luuuvvv issue but from my work. It's just so disgusting sometimes when some people use their authority to wash their hands off responsibility and make you do all the dirty work. I have to go back and forth to negotiate when it could've been so - oh-so-much- easier when she faced it herself and explained. I'm so not productive anymore. Add the two cups of coffee I took and there's all my energy going down the drain. I can't believe I even had the power to summon all that emotion yesterday just to cry and reminisce uselessly something that couldn't come back!

Not to mention that I still have to think about school and finish my homework. Still got loads of books to read and paperworks to finish. What a whiner I am.

Aaaggghhhhh!!! If only all the curses I can spit will take all of this shit. Ah, there I go again. Sorry folks, not in a very good mood as of this time. Actually using this blog to vent. Another reason why I don't give out my real identity in here. 'Cuz it's actually safer to say all the things you want when people don't know you yet and haven't built up certain prejudices or standards that you should meet in their eyes. I've made several a foe from past experiences due to them expecting me to fit into the stereotypes they themselves have boxed me in. Just because you appear this or that way to them doesn't have to necessarily mean that you have to actualize that person. So yeah, I am not your typical 'soft' woman --- I can curse and I will manipulate if it would suit my interest. I drink when I feel like it but I do not smoke just because everybody around me is doing so. My principles may be weird and can be twisted but that in its very essence has saved my sanity and so I exist. Ugh, that sounded like a line from a song with a bad tune.

Bottom line? I'm just tired so spare me.  

  Another gay guy friend of mine told me to snap out of it. Easy for him to say though, he's got so many men drooling over him what with his muscled physique. His friendster's and myspace's accounts are full of indecent proposals, which of course he willingly obliges as much as he can. In comparison to mine, ugh, mine would just have LOSER labelled all over. He says he couldn't believe nobody's courting me when I'm in such a working atmosphere that should be "bountiful" of such opportunities to meet others. Disregarding that CIT engineering moron (not that i'm prejudicing on all CIT fellas, stress should be in the word 'moron'), unbelievingly it's true. Noticeably, I'm gaining weight also, mostly because of my depression as well as the type of work that I have which requires me to stay sitting for 8 hours straight. Beer belly, he says. Too much dining out's (more like pigging out), shopping, drinking, and even gambling (ONCE only, okay?) together with my equally pathetically depressed buddy and consistent part-time girlfriend to almost every guy she meets WF.

Yeah right, and this preacher's a saint. Even as while we were chatting, he even has a pending date later that evening, that's why he couldn't come with us. I had coaxed him to no end about going to movie with WF and I, and then probably a drink or two-- but still did not budge-- his other plan is probably much more exciting.

But anyway, going back, I guess we all have different ways in bouncing back. I wish I could elaborate further as to why I am grieving for so long already, however it will blow my cover. Ours is a relationship 'celebrated' by many-- my friends, his friends, our classmates in that subject we shared, teachers and even the non-teaching faculty! All thought it was a good match. Not that I'm bragging, but maybe it's because they never thought we'd click together. He was this friendly, humble and peace-loving kinda guy who is somehow smitten by this snobbish, haughty and war-monggering lass. We didn't break up because of a third party, nor was it a case of love dying. Simply put, it's just that we were not meant to be, we were to tread on different paths. Just thinking about it and writing this now makes me close to tears even. I don't know, perhaps it's just that he made so much magic in my life considering how short-lived our relationship was. He didn't want to break away from me, but I had insisted it upon him, because I know that it was for his own best. Imagine me loving him so, and yet giving him up for the greater cause. He is a soldier with a big mission, and I wouldn't want to step in the way and prevent him from achieving his goals. You know what he told me last Christmas? He said that if we're really not meant to be in this life, he hope that in the next one, in heaven, I can be his wife. I remember I could barely read that message on my phone screen, 'cuz my eyes were so blurred up in tears. I would've wanted to save it just like all his other memorable messages, but i just couldn't stop crying so I erased it after a week. All the 29 messages I have saved in my inbox is from him, the oldest dating almost a year and a quarter. One message greeted me a happy day-sary, another one stated that he's on a jeep going home and his knees were still shaking (dated on the night I said yes), another one telling me not to skip lunch again 'cuz he liked me on the plumpier side.

Ahhh... if he could only see now... fat, that is. He would have pinched my arm and grinned broadly at my flabby thighs.

What the fuck...why should that guy need to stare at my tear-strained eyes! *^%%U%&%&%&%&%&&^$$&$#@(^*%@*%^#&$%)&%$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!