I can't sleep. I should write this before I try to go to bed so that I can vent out a little bit. I'm frustrated about work. I gave up a possible additional income (which i badly need) to focus on something that in the end would turn out to be fruitless. All the effort that I exerted... I am about to disappoint so many people, and everyone is going to point a finger at me for not doing my job.

My debate team is about to break into pieces again. I have two members who have exerted so much effort into this and have expected to join the CESAFI. I am going to break their hearts and their spirits.

I have two members who are angry at me for pushing them. They were informed at the last minute, totally caught unprepared. They declined and they will feel guilty and scared for doing so. They will blame me for feeling this way...

I will have the whole school to face and inform that, after all that has been said and talked about, our school is not joining the competition. They will ask why this has happened. They will demand that I explain.

I have a whole bunch of jealous co-teachers who will talk behind my back. They will say that I hoarded the power, I should have not accepted the job because I was yet too unexperienced and new, and that this is just what I deserved. They will ask why they were not approached or asked to do the job instead, when they could have done a better job at it, plus they were way more senior than I am.

I will have to face the organizers/ hosting school, which unfortunately is the school where I graduated from. I had graduated cum laude. My former teachers (specifically my teacher in Argu and Debate), the Athletics coordinator (whom I have interviewed several times before in my capacity as a student journalist), our dean, and other reps from my alma mater had been shocked, impressed at me, and proud of their own graduate all at the same time when they saw that I was already representing the new school that I was working for after only a year of teaching there.

But I honestly did my best. I tried to please everyone. I had cried for assistance and humbly admitted that I do not know much of what I'm doing. And yet everybody snubbed at the beginning. They kept passing me to one department/person to another and then in the end, when I finally told them that the other departments/ persons they referred me to did not give me much assistance as well... they told me that it was my call. I should be the one doing the decision.

And naturally I had bad decisions. I didn't choose the right persons. I also didn't appear credible or influential enough to convince those I had to do what I would've wanted them to do. Because honestly, I didn't know what to do myself.

I was grasping in the dark. Nobody never did care to give me their support. The people that I had asked for assistance just nodded me off and just left me to my own devices.

Now I will labeled inefficient. I can't write anymore. All these are just so hard to take all in. I don't know what to do. I don't know who I should approach. Everybody is going to point a finger at me. Everybody will see me as the fault.... 

  This morning I went inside a unisex bathroom right after a gay guy. As I was throwing my tissue in the trash, I noticed very fresh red dots in tissue papers on top of the bin.

I think I should repent on thinking this, but my mind immediately registered: gay. ass. definitely a stain from an anal hole. OMG. I don't know what to blame in myself. Probably my innate malice, another obvious proof that I am no longer innocent to the ways of the world... Or watching CSI episodes? hehehe.

Bad bad Tequila.
-------------------------------------------------
It sure is raining freakin' cats and dogs and frogs and sheeps and carabaos and flies here in otherwise usually sunny Cebu. Not that I don't like it. I love the rain and earlier this morning I didn't do anything (i skipped work--- Ugh, man, i lost around 1.5k today!) and just felt like I was in a Nescafe commercial sipping brewed coffee at Mister Donuts Sto. Rosario.

Reason why I skipped work and the tutorial with the Korean named Thomas (friggin' 200bucks/hour!) ? Because I wasn't able to prepare any lesson for that chinky-eyed man and because i was late for my schedule with him and because i felt very dizzy and weak (I think I lack iron plus calcium too) and because I also didn't finish the 2nd module for my classes at school and because I wasn't finished with my class record and so basically I just want to run away from all my responsibilities. Ugh. There, I now openly admit that I'm a success at being a loser.

I honestly hate being like this. I wish I could just be more predictable sometimes and not immediately lose interest so easily. That's why I really admire people who could somehow get everything done, because they just so know how to focus on their priorities. Me, on the other hand, could never forget to relax and eat and wallow in pain and indulge myself thinking that I'm going to be like this forever. When confronted with so many things to do, I freeze and get immobilized, not knowing what to do first. And the reason why I usually get confronted with many things to do is really because I don't immediately act on the things I should be doing. Waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh......